Wasn’t I supposed to hate her?

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you had told me during my divorce that some day I would be able enjoy being around my ex and his new wife, I would have laughed in your face! Divorce is hard… and it hurts. But God can truly change any situation! One of the friendships I am most grateful for is the one with my ex husbands new wife. Crazy, right? Not really, though, if you think about it…

It’s so easy, as women, to tear each other down and focus on the bad…what a waste of time and energy! We are raising kids together, and she is a great step mom to my big kids. How awesome to know that there are so many people who truly love and care for my kids. She never tries to replace me… I’m always mom. But she is a bonus mom and lets face it, raising kids takes a village! She gets me… and I get her. It helps that she is nice and hilarius and fun. Let’s face it, we were married to the same man. That alone gives us a common bond that is very unique, and we’ve learned to use it to our advantage. If my kids are ever looking fashionable, it’s probably her doing. Again…I’m so grateful that she can fill in areas where I struggle.

Our crew hanging at a Fiesta Parade

‘How lucky for your kids!’ – we often hear. And it’s so true. We were all able to go trick or treating together, celebrate birthdays as a group, and most weekends you can find us together cheering on some sport or activity. We are all lucky. It also has already proved to be not so lucky for my kids. We are (usually) a pretty united front. This means twice as many adults watching. My son found this out the hard way (five seconds into Christmas break) when he was riding his bike somewhere he wasn’t supposed to – having multiple adults on the case increase the chances of being busted.
Maybe this will come in handy when they try to throw their first high school party…or maybe they will be less mischievous than I was in high school and never even try to pull any of that crap. (Sorry mom and dad).

My ex husband and daughter dunk Nate after a big win!

My husband, Nate, plays a huge role in the ‘modern family movement.’ First of all, where I am dramatic and sensitive and reactive…he is level headed…almost always. He respects my ex and they communicate (as much as men do) in their own male way. A turning point for us all was when Nate coached my daughter and her step sister in softball. It bonded and healed us all in a strange way. I’ve come to find team sports have a way of teaching me all kinds of life lessons. (Spoken like a music major, right?)

The bottom line is, I’ve learned that I cannot afford to have resentments. And really, who wants to carry around that negativity all the time? It took me years to realize that having a resentment or hating someone was mostly hurting me, not them…in this case it was also likely to hurt my kids. If you are reading this and it sounds unobtainable, just know that healing takes time. There is always HOPE, especially when you let God in!

Trick or Treating 2017

Running on Empty

There are 2 types of people when is comes to filing up that gas tank in the car…
Those who always have at least half (preferably more) of a tank at all times… and the lunatics that drive around until the gas light comes on and wait until as long as they can to fill up. Oy…it gives me anxiety just thinking about it. What if there is a wreck on the 3 mile? What if there is an emergency? Clearly I am in the first group. I love the feeling of a full tank of gas. Maybe it gives me the illusion of control or preparedness..maybe it’s just because I have an anxious predisposition…who knows?! What I do know is that if I find myself driving and so busy that I don’t fill up until the gas light comes on, I know I am spread too thin.

Balance. I’m sure I am not alone in my struggle to find balance. I want to be a good mom-be there for my kids, drive the carpool, attend the party, cheer on the team…I want to be a good wife- support my husband, make couple time a priority, keep the house nice, feed him well (expectations are low in this department). I want to be a good employee/member of society-use my gifts for good, contribute to something important, make a difference. I want to be a good friend, and daughter and sister and on and on. Ugh…just reading the list and I want a nap…

As a woman in recovery, I have been given ‘tools’ to help me stay close to God, or ‘spiritually fit’. Prayer, meditation, meetings, readings, fellowship, exercise, music…all of these things help me to be a better mom, wife and community member. And frankly I’m much more pleasant to be around. These things keep my tank full. But what’s the first thing to go when the to do list gets too long? Usually self care gets pushed to the back burner. Balance. I know there is a way…

I am currently going through some changes and praying for God’s will for my career. Some people embrace change… I am not one of those people. I tend to stay in a situation until I’m so uncomfortable that I just can’t take it anymore. That, or God does for me what I can’t do for myself and sets the wheels in motion. I know so many working moms who manage to do it all…AND still have time to make a pinterist worthy snack for the Christmas party. That will never be me. And that’s ok. But I do want to find a successful work and home balance.

Why do I tend to get spread too thin? Why is the balance so hard to achieve? Part of the answer lies within my disease….my disease to please. I want to be all things to all people. Talk about unreasonable expectations! As I enter this next chapter of my journey, I hope to take with me a few new ideas. I want to start using the “N- word” more. Yep, I have to starting telling people NO. No is a complete sentence, and telling someone No does not make me a failure. So instead of saying yes to every request in my life, and letting those commitments create chaos in my life, I am giving myself the power to say no. And if my ’No’ means someone is disappointed, I will still be ok.

They are worth it. 

Are you there, God? It’s me, Kate

I’m currently in the throes of raising a 6th grader… all the hormones, drama, and emotional outbursts…and then there’s Ellie…

You see, technically I’m supposed to be raising her, but really she has taught me more about life, courage and bravery than I could have ever imagined.

Growing up, life came pretty easy for me. School came naturally, I made good grades without ever really studying. I excelled at music without much practice. And if something was difficult or challenging for me, I would just quit. If I thought I wouldn’t win, I wouldn’t play. I was so afraid of failure that I sat on the sidelines and watched life pass me by. Just think of how much fun I missed….

Fast forward to becoming a mom to my sweet Ellie. Of course, like any mom, I could write a novel on all of the areas Ellie shines. But here is why ellie is a total badass… not because of what she excells in but because of how she handles failure.

Ellie has struggled with school. She has to work twice as hard as most kids her age to grasp a concept or complete a project. But does she get down or complain? Never! In fifth grade she actually chose to stay after school every day to do extra work with her teacher. What kid begs for extra work? She is such a hard worker and always makes good grades as a result. I look at her work ethic and am in awe… she inspires me.

But it was actually Ellie’s life on the softball field that taught me most! Unfortunately, ellie inherited my athleticism or lack there-of. What she didn’t get from me was the unwillingness to try new things, step out of her comfort zone and, on occasion… fail. And that, she did. Always with a smile, the best attitude and cheerfully cheering on others who were succeeding. And she did not quit. She showed up, she practiced, she had fun, she asked for extra help, and she listened. And we prayed together. Guess what happens when you do those things… you improve!

When it came time to transition from coach pitch to kid pitch most of the girls in Ellie’s league opted to stay with their previous position rather than attempt pitching. Less risk. Not E. She was eager to learn pitching despite the likely chance that she would not be very good to start. Pitching is hard. Such a mental game and so much pressure. She failed. She loaded the bases with walks. She had the occasional wild pitch that hit the batter. She kept smiling and didn’t quit.

Again, like I said, I did not teach her this. I wish I had this attitude and confidence! My mom tells the story that when I was learning to walk, I didn’t take a few steps at a time like most babies. I waited to walk until I was able to walk all the way across the room. Heaven forbid I had stumbled along the way…

What happens when you keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and trying again?

My sweet Ellie ended up being asked to pitch on the travel All Star team. She struck out batter after batter and continued to be a leader and encourager for the rest of the team. And she had fun!

I want to face life more like Ellie. I want to try new things without the fear of imperfection. I want to have the courage to put myself out there even though I know I may fail.

I know one thing… even though she may struggle with grades and school, she will do well in the ‘real world’. She is one of the hardest workers I know. Will she play softball again? I’m not sure, but I’m grateful for all we both gained from her experience.

Now will we survive middle school and puberty and boys etc? I’m sure we will…. Hopefully with a smile and a good attitude and lots of prayers!

Under Construction

I feel like for the last decade I have always had some reason or excuse why I didn’t have my shit together. Let’s be real, its probably been more like 20 years…

I would think…. I can’t host the dinner party/ book club/game night because I just had the baby/ the house is being renovated /its tech week…/I broke my legs/ and so on!

Other people around me had just as much, if not way more, complicated lives and manage to do it all…and still had time for a nap. I was waiting to participate in life until the conditions were PERFECT and guess what they never will be! I’m a slow learner…

When I decided I might write a blog I started reading some other mom blogs from around the country and immediately felt that old familiar feeling of ‘less than’ that I know so well. Gorgeous ladies and stylish blogs…perfect homes and perfect kids, impeccable table settings and designer bags…perfect parties and vacations…did I say perfect?

I have lots of respect for these women, many of them make good money promoting products because their lifestyle is so enviable. Let me just be clear that my blog is the opposite of that. I can’t imagine what company would want me to plug their product. Maybe Chick Fil A after they know how much Jordy loves nuggets…or spanx.
At some point I realized that most of the people around me in real life are ‘functioning adults’… people who organize their junk drawer… buy fresh flowers for the foyer… and take the time to make their home look lovely…not to mention have 3 balanced meals on the table every day (and not just nuggets or mac and cheese)…

Don’t get me wrong…we have nice things. Put it this way, the beautiful handmade wood two tone silver chest my parents had made for me filled with the silver pattern I painstakingly picked from Elebash’s (and have maybe used a handful of times even though i love it so much) is used as second base when my kids and husband play whiffle ball IN THE LIVING ROOM!

A typical game of whiffle ball…there is also a full court basketball in my living room.

 

So back to my original point…today we are starting another home renovation…turning our garage into a master suite. I can’t wait. The process may totally suck, but the outcome will be worth it. Much like childbirth.

Once this room is finished, everyone will have their own bedroom. Oh and I’ll finally make Jordy the ‘baby’ sleep in his own bed (maybe).  We will actually be able to hide some of the toys away into the kids rooms and actually have dignified adult areas…and the kids are going to make up their beds and they definitely won’t leave wet towels and clothes on the floor. And I will cook balanced meals and host dinner parties and be fabulous! Ok, we will probably still order pizza and play whiffle ball, and watch the real housewives on tv, but we will still be fabulous…BECAUSE WE ARE FABULOUS NOW! Circumstances will never be perfect, I will never be perfect and I want my daughter and boys to know that they don’t have to be perfect either. God is perfect.

My mom has the best motto that I love…“What am I saving it for?”

Life is too short and why not enjoy it now? I’ve started wearing my jewelry. I’m going to start using my silver, and I have my spanx ready to go for a big event this weekend (who am I kidding, I wear spanx all the time).

 

Mother Knows Best

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother…Four generations in this photo

Well…after at least a year of my mom nudging me to write a blog, I’m finally getting around to it. Funny, even now that I’m 40, she is still right. I love that and hate it… if you know what I mean.

I’m rebellious by nature so it probably took me twice as long to write it just because she wanted me to! I hate that about myself…

Maybe I should back up…

Who am I? Nobody special! And what a relief! It took me nearly 40 years to figure out I wasn’t all that. The world was gonna keep on spinning without my help. And the sun was coming up tomorrow, no matter what my circumstances …or if I was a size 2…. or my kids were wearing matching monogramed outfits…or my house was more organized…and on and on and on….

Perhaps I should introduce myself.  My name is Kate and I am the mom to Ellie, 11, Miller, 10, and Jordy, 2. I’ve been through a brutal divorce and custody battle and remarried a wonderful (and patient man), Nathan, who is a great stepdad to Ellie and Miller. (Kate and Nate -cue eye roll). I love my family. They are my world. I talk to my parents and siblings and grandparents  on a regular basis, I absolutely adore my hometown of Pensacola, Florida. I’m a Southern girl

Halloween! This was actually on the steps of my ex husbands house before we all went trick or treating together…we’ve come a long way, baby!

All of these things are possible because of God and recovery. The fact is that I am an alcoholic. I have a sponsor and my sponsor has a sponsor and I have a whole community of women (and men) who have supported me over the past seven years. 

One of the biggest gifts I have been given with age is that finally DON’T GIVE A CRAP what others think about me like I did in my thirties. Ok… that’s a lie. But today I do care a whole lot less! One of my wisest friends taught me that ‘it’s none of my business what anyone else thinks about me’.

Sometimes in life we get a do-over. For me- the do-over is eerily familiar. When I turned thirty I was a young mom with kids at the Children’s place in Gulf breeze,FL. I saw many of the same faces and drove the same roads I drive now. I was obsessed with presenting a perfect looking happy family.  I wanted to be the lily pulitzer, brooks brothers ad but in reality we were more like the example for alcoholism and dysfunction. Trying to create this picture perfect family nearly killed me! And I have been so happy out of it! It just wasn’t me! All that to say, little Miller was in the same classroom when I went to treatment that Jordy is in this year. So I am literally having a total do over but this time I can cut the bull shit and just be authentic Kate. Of course I am about a decade older and a Lane Bryant customer heavier than all of the other moms, and I may be the only one with a saucy past but it feels damn good these days to own it.

This photo was taken 10 years ago when Miller was a baby. I remember thinking I wanted to die that day. But damn I looked good.

This Summer I turned the big 4-0! A few days before the big bday I fell down the stairs in the middle of the night resulting in two broken ankles, a birthday surgery, and a newfound appreciation for handicapped accessibility. In the following months I also suffered a miscarriage, so I had to have another emergency surgery. I am now going through a career change that will hopefully be a very positive move for my family. There is a reason I am telling you all of these things, I promise. That 30 year old I talked about at the beginning had SO MANY SECRETS! Over my dead body would I have told my

Came into 40 with a bang!

family, or my friends, or my church, much less complete strangers the TRUTH about what was going on with me HELL NO!  NOT HAPPENING! But what I’ve learned in recovery is that secrets keep you sick. So if you have something on your heart that you need to talk to someone about, find someone safe and share your truth, and you will be set free…

Love my Siblings